epiphany

This is a blog posting I started writing back in February.  I never got a chance to go back and finish rewording paragraphs I didn't like, finish complete thoughts in other areas, or add in pictures in the correct places.  I'm posting it today as right now we are in the fall of the year, a time that at one point seemed so distant, a time that was hard for me to imagine what life would be like.  And somehow, as it always does, life flew by in a blink of an eye and here we are. The kids are 8 months older, 8 months more independent, 8 months of precious "baby" time I'll never get back, and, most sadly, 8 months of missed opportunities gone.  I didn't change a thing so please bare with the mispellings or run on sentence. 

E-piph-a-ny

     *a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrende or experience.  

      Have you ever had one of those rare, fleeting moments when you realize that your life is almost to that exact moment in time that you've always dreamt of?  The kind of moment that stops your heart for a beat and takes your breath away as you see it all playing out right before your eyes?  And then in the very next second your heart starts to ache because you know that there is no stopping time, no slowing it down.  Everything you've always wanted is here, right now.  Even though you knew it was coming, could count down the days til it arrived, it all happened so unexpectedly fast.  Never before have the words 'carpe diem'  Seize the Day, take the bull by the horns, Don't put off til tomorrow what you can do today, had more meaning then they do now. 

Ever had that happen?

I have.   Twice.  And in the past week and a half to boot.

The first time it happened was almost two weeks ago when I was sick. So sick in fact that not only did I call off work but I also took the kids to the sitters as well, a luxery that I'm ever so grateful for.  After dropping the kids off I came home, put a movie in and plopped on the couch expecting to doze off quickly.  Instead I was caught up in the preview for a movie that looked like  film Jim and I would enjoy and I found myself thinking

"What I wouldn't give for a movie/date night at home without kids, ordering a pizza, watching a movies and playings cards just like we used to.  Hhhmmmm....maybe I'll see if a certain set of grandparents would like to watch the kids for us some Friday evening....Maybe I can surprise Jim...."

Flash forward a short while, I'm still not asleep and the movie had begun lose my attention.  My eyes scanned the living room littered with toys, dirty socks, empty snack bowls and everything else that had accumulated over the past few days while I was sick.  Oh how I long for an organized, clean house.  Then it caught my eye.  Bree's pink computer, sitting next to my laptop on the coffee table.  I glance across the room to Bree's puzzle, half finished, waiting for her to come home and put in the last few pieces.  I see Bree's portable DVD player carelessly placed by the fireplace after being told she wasn't allowed to watch a movie before going to the sitters.  And thats when the first tidal wave hit.

Bree is three.  Every day, many times a day, I hear "I"m this many Momma." (holding up three fingers) "I can do it.  I'm bigger, see?" she says as she stands up tall to so me how big she's gotton. Thats the reminder I need some days.  I had 7 years and one month of pre-children bliss to enjoy all the adult movie nights I could handle.  And soon enough Bree will be going to sleepovers... sporting events... girl scout camps... bonfires... dances... dates... and more that we will be able to enjoy all the "our kids are out of the house for the night" movies nights we can stand.  Right now we need to embrace the homemade pizza - disney movie - family pajama nights - in the cluttered living room that we have at our finger tips.  Soon enough she'll be grown-up and independent.  Soon enough she'll be spending more time in her room playing barbies and house and babies alone, not needing me to pretend with her.  Soon enough her thousands of 32 paged books scattered across the floor creating an ice skating rink in my own living room will be replaced with chapter books and college prep reading materials.  Too soon...

Then came this past Friday.  Nothing particular about it, just a Friday like all the others.  It was roughly 4pm, Bree was down for a nap and I was feeding Jacob a bottle.  I was trying to do some calculating in my head of how many bottles in a day he still takes and when to begin the transfer over to sippy cups and milk at meals when it happened again. (And hopefully I can describe this just right.)  The sunlight was coming through the window at such an angle that it created the sense that it fall, not winter.  I realized that by this autumn Jacob won't be using bottles any more.  Unless he's sick, there probably won't be any reason to hold him until he falls asleep.  By fall, he'll be walking and running and feeding himself.  He'll be independently playing, maybe even picking up a crayon or marker to coloring with.  He'll be torturing his sister.  And while, yes, this is everything I've been waiting for, two kids happily playing on the floor with their toys while I'm sitting in the corner crocheting, its all here, right now, happening so fast and I can't do a thing to slow it down, to stop them from growing up, or more so, out growing me. 

When I think back to my childhood do you know what I remember?  I remember the noise the ceiling made when the house would settle.   I remember the way the light shown through the sheers in the living room window while watching Nascar with Dad.  I remember the cold smell of our house when coming home from a summers day at the pool. I remember the sound the curtains made when blowing in the breeze from the open window and the smell coming in, oh the smell... I remember cleaning corn and waiting for the charcoal to get hot enough.  I remember the sense of security, although thats not what I would have recognized it as then, as Dad would come home from work while we were watching an episode of 'Saved by the bell" and he would begin making dinner as the Cosby show would come on, watching Mash as we ate dinner and watching the evening news.  Those are all things that made up my child hood and made it great.  They are all things that I want for my kids.

But what I lose touch with more often than not, is that every day I'm creating that for Bree and Jacob.  Everything we do, everything I say, cook, watch, will all be those memories I treasure so much.