What I'm reading this week

Just Show Up:

The Dance of Walking through Suffering Together

 

By Kara Tippetts

 

 

Dust jacket reads:

 

Kara Tippetts’s story was not a story of disease, although she lost her battle with terminal cancer. It was not a story of saying goodbye, although she was intentional in her time with her husband and four children. Kara’s story was one of seeing God in the hard and in the good. It was one of finding grace in the everyday. And it was one of knowing “God with us” through fierce and beautiful friendship.

In Just Show Up, Kara and her close friend, Jill Lynn Buteyn, write about what friendship looks like in the midst of changing life seasons, loads of laundry, and even cancer. Whether you are eager to be present to someone going through a difficult time or simply want inspiration for pursuing friends in a new way, this eloquent and practical book explores the gift of silence, the art of receiving, and what it means to just show up.

 

You need to read this book. 

Yes, you!  And you.  And you.  And you.  And especially YOU!

 

I don't even know where to start on explaining how (it sounds so cheesy but its true) life changing this book is.  All I can offer are snippets of this book - paragraphs that have made me stop and think and cry and cringe about how I should have been more present in people's lives.  Its made me thank God multiple times for the people who have showed up in my life daily when I needed it.   And its opened my eyes to the people have tried to show up for me and I didn't let them in.  This is a very fast reading book, written almost like fiction with the stories being retold.  I very, very highly recommend taking the time to read this book.  Even if its just a chapter or two, but I promise, you'll finish the whole thing.

Here are just a few excerpts that reached my heart:

"I didn't have the right words so I didn't show up.

I was scared.  Scared that if I attempted to talk to him, it would be uncomfortable.

When our loved ones are suffering, we so badly want to say the right thing.  Preferably something wise, encouraging and comforting at the same time. Perhaps a Bible verse we've memorized for moments such as this or something insightful to earn a bunch of likes on Facebook.

But our people are not expecting profound answers from us - they don't want them.  Hard is hard.  And a perfectly phrased thought isn't going to fix it. 

I understand the desire to say something comforting.  From the outside, we can feel helpless around our hurting loves ones.  But our people aren't expecting us to solve anything or have the perfect words.  That's pressure we are putting on ourselves."

----------


"My friend lost her mother to cancer and said that during the time her mom was sick, many people wouldn't say anything to her about her mom.  They were so afraid to ask, so afraid to say the wrong thing, that they didn't say anything at all.  She was going through something incredibly hard, and she remembers those moments as wounding. 

We may feel feeble or inadequate, but making the point of saying something is better than saying nothing.  While we aren't expected to have perfect words, phrases, and memorized Bible verses, we should at least express that we care. 

Because we do care. 

And when we don't say anything, it looks as though we don't."

-----------

"In an attempt to comfort, many Christians offer platitudes that point to Jesus.  But phrases such as "God has a plan," "He won't give you more than you can handle," and "All things work together for the good of those who love God" are not sympathetic.  Platitudes likes these are hurtful and wince-worthy.

These statements are completely true.  I don't deny them.  But did I want to hear this?

No.

At the time,  I didn't know why they upset me so much.  Later I figured out the answer: I already knew those truths.  I knew God was still good, that He was going to be with Kara and her family and friends.  I still believed.  What I wanted in those moments was a hug.  A nod of understanding.  Someone to simply say, "I'm so sorry.  This must be hard.  I'll be praying for you."

Our people who are suffering know the truth of God's provision and grace.  What they need is for us to express that we care and then listen in love.

Lets give our people room for this to be their story.  We may have similarities in our stories, but this trial is unique to them.  Saying something like "I know how you feel" or "I've been through something similar" makes it about us.  Saying "I'm so sorry.  I can't imagine how hard this is for you" keeps the focus on them.

We don't have to fill the silences with a bunch of words or tell the story of another friend who's going through a difficult trial. (I've done this.  I'm totally wincing right now.)  We don't have to barge in and ask hard questions in our attempt to say something.

Curiosity is different from caring.

Curiosity wants to know what's going on.  Caring wants the person to know they are not forgotten.  Details aren't important."