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Friday, April 29, 2011

Year One

Dear Dad,
     Wow.  One year.  Can that really be true?  Is it possible that we haven't heard your voice, your lauahg, your walk for one year already?  I went out for coffee with Cristina last week and she mentioned that someone asked her what would you miss most about your parents when they're gone.  And today, one year later, I unfortunately have an answer to that question.

1.  I miss your BBQ sauce.  It seems silly I know.  But  recently I made grilled chicken like you did.  I bake it in the oven, low and slow, skin on and all.  And while I was letting it rest before having Jim go grill it I tried to make your BBQ sauce and I just couldn't get it right.  And I couldn't call you go see what I was doing wrong. 

2.  I miss sharing my project ideas with you.   I have so many ideas that I would love to see come to life but that I'll never get around to for one reason or another.   But I know that you would see the potential happiness that these projects would bring to all we gave them to and I'm sad that we won't be able to work on them together, in person.  You too had the creative eye and mind to take things in a whole new direction.   I have this wonderfully great idea I'd love to do for Jim for Christmas but there are some technical parts that I just can't get worked out on my own.  I know that a simple phone call to you would give me the answer that I need and that by the time I'd get off work, grab the kids and get to your house, you'd already have the project well underway because you know that spare time with kids doesn't come readily available these days.  I really appreciated all the times you did that for me.

3.  I miss your never ending knowledge on every subject known to man.  Jim and I were watching Pawn Stars the other day and I asked Jim if he thought Rick actually knew that much stuff about everything that was brought in or if he does research before taping.  Jim said he thinks he does research since there is no way anyone could know that much stuff on that wide of a variety of things.  But I know you would know what all that junk was.  Then I was watching American Pickers, a show that you got me hooked on, and the guy in the episode had TONS of World War 2 artifacts.  It made me think of you and how you could answer every question about every war, about things they used, about how things were made back then and more.  And if you were wrong or just making up an answer to shut us up (a trait I've quickly had to learn with Bree's why, why, why age upon us) I never knew it. You instilled a love of history in us and I can't wait to bring history to life for Bree and Jacob like you did for us.  Just a few more years and I think our small family is ready for a trip to Gettysburg and Hersheys Pennsylvania. 

There is so much more that I miss.  Your compassion for everyone, your giving nature, your laugh.  We've been having a rough time lately with the terrible, horrible no good three year old attitude from Bree and the endless whining coming from Jacob.  I wish I had just a small portion of the patience you always seemed to have no matter the situation.  But we are who we are and all I can do is keep in my heart the person that you were and strive to become more like you every day.  I hope I'm making you proud.

I can tell that even in my sleep I'm missing you more than ever right now even in my sleep.  For maybe the second time since she died, I had a dream about Betsy.  And instead of being excited to see her I just kept asking "Have you seen my Dad?  Have you talked to him?  Is he okay?" 

Bree is asleep right now but if she were awake I'm sure she'd want me to be sure you're taking care of Caddie.  I don't have the heart to tell her you weren't the biggest animal lover out there especially for little animals that are always underfoot but Bree insists you have her.  She keeps talking about 'Papa up in heaven coming down the hill with Caddie.'  Any clue what she's talking about?

Well I better be going.  Jim and the kids are in bed and its the only time to attempt to get caught up on housework.  But then again maybe I'll just go to bed since Jacob is finally sleeping through the night.  I just wanted to let you know that we're doing okay down here.  We've hit a few big bumps in the road and are really unsure of what the future will bring but I know you'll give us a few gently nudges in the right direction and everything will work itself out.  Don't hesitate to visit us in our dreams.  Its like waking up with a new memory of you.  Such a great way to start the day.  Miss you Daddy.



  1. Oh Rachel. Wow.
    I KNOW he is proud of you. Keep it up ♥

  2. well, i was reading along just fine until i reached the part about Caddie, and now i am bawling... i miss a dog so much, i cant imagine how much you miss your dad. I know he is so proud of you and is walking down a hill with caddie somewhere, both pain free. love you.

    Andrea <3